A look behind the scenes for those of you who prefer to read than watch or listen. Here’s the notes I based my conversation off of as I explored the importance of the relationship we have with ourselves and how it serves as the basis to all external relationships we have as well.

1. Opening — What kind of relationship do you have with yourself?

• We hear a lot about loving ourselves, accepting ourselves, putting ourselves first, and becoming the best version of ourselves.

• But what about simply understanding ourselves?

• Not everyone feels the need to find themselves or go on a self-discovery journey.

• Yet we all experience moments when we frustrate, disappoint, question, or surprise ourselves.

• We spend our entire lives with ourselves, but that doesn't necessarily mean we understand how we operate.

Something to consider: If you were in a relationship with someone who constantly criticized how you did things, questioned your decisions, or expected you to operate differently, how would that relationship feel?

Now consider how often you do those things to yourself.

2. The expectations we place on ourselves

Question: How much of your frustration with yourself comes from expecting yourself to operate differently?

• We tell ourselves we should be more organized, disciplined, productive, decisive, or consistent.

• We compare what comes naturally to us with what seems to come naturally to others.

• We can interpret a difference in process as a personal shortcoming.

Personal Process example:

What serves someone well may be their ability to adapt, change direction, and operate with flexibility.

What may not serve them well is trying to force themselves into a rigid structure that doesn't support how they naturally work.

The issue isn't necessarily that they lack discipline. They may be measuring themselves against an approach that doesn't suit them.

Everyday reflection: What is something you regularly tell yourself you should be better at?

3. The trust we have in ourselves

Question: Do you trust the way you naturally arrive at decisions?

• Some people need information before feeling comfortable making a decision.

• Some need time to process privately. Others make sense of things through conversation.

• Some move quickly and adjust along the way.

• We can become frustrated with ourselves because we don't decide as quickly—or as cautiously—as we think we should.

Personal Process example:

What serves someone well is their inclination to gather information, consider possibilities, and make informed decisions.

What may not serve them well is continuing to research long after they have enough information to move forward.

The same natural inclination that creates confidence can also create hesitation.

The opportunity isn't necessarily to become a quicker decision-maker. It's to recognize when your process has given you what you need.

Everyday reflection: When you second-guess a decision, is it because something is genuinely missing, or because you've stopped trusting yourself?

4. The promises and responsibilities we give ourselves

Question: Are you as considerate of yourself as you are of the commitments you make to others?

• We often feel good about ourselves when we follow through.

• But we can also take on too much, set unrealistic expectations, or feel guilty when we don't accomplish everything.

• Sometimes the way we define being responsible actually works against us.

Personal Process example:

What serves someone well is their strong sense of ownership and commitment. They follow through and take their responsibilities seriously.

What may not serve them well is continuing to carry responsibilities simply because they said they would, even when circumstances have changed.

Bring this back to the relationship with ourselves:

Do you give yourself permission to reconsider a commitment?

Can you recognize when something is no longer serving you without interpreting that as failure?

Are you someone you can count on to honor your own needs, not just your obligations?

5. The way we treat ourselves when things don't go as planned

Question: What happens in your relationship with yourself when you don't meet your own expectations?

• Do you become critical?

• Do you immediately look for what went wrong?

• Do you feel disappointed in yourself?

• Do you become motivated to improve, or does the disappointment make it harder to move forward?

Personal Process example:

Someone may naturally notice problems, inconsistencies, and opportunities for improvement.

What serves them well is the ability to recognize what could work better and make meaningful adjustments.

What may not serve them well is turning that same attention toward everything they believe they should be doing better.

A distinction worth exploring:

There is a difference between recognizing an opportunity to improve and constantly viewing yourself as something that needs fixing.

Your ability to notice what could be better doesn't mean what you're doing now has no value.

Everyday reflection: When something doesn't work out, do you become curious about why, or critical of yourself for letting it happen?

6. Understanding what you need versus what you think you should need

Question: Do you recognize what supports you, or do you expect yourself to need what works for everyone else?

• Some people need quiet to process. Others need conversation.

• Some need structure to feel grounded. Others need room to move.

• Some need a sense of purpose to sustain their effort. Others find satisfaction in completion and accomplishment.

• We may recognize what works for us but dismiss it because it doesn't look like what we're supposed to do.

Everyday examples:

You may think you should be able to sit quietly and figure something out, when talking it through is what actually brings clarity.

You may think you should be able to follow a daily routine, when having choices is what keeps you engaged.

You may think you should be motivated by reaching a goal, when the meaning behind the goal is what actually matters to you.

Something to consider: How often do you disregard what you need because you think you shouldn't need it?

7. Accepting yourself doesn't mean excusing yourself

This is an important distinction in your work.

• Understanding why something comes naturally doesn't mean it will always serve you well.

• Recognizing your process doesn't mean you can't make adjustments.

• Accepting how you operate doesn't mean every behavior or decision is beneficial.

• But understanding gives you a different starting point than criticism.

For example, if you know you naturally gather a lot of information, you can recognize when it's time to stop researching and decide.

If you know you naturally take on responsibility, you can recognize when you're carrying too much.

If you know you naturally notice what could be improved, you can recognize when you're becoming unnecessarily critical of yourself.

The goal isn't to eliminate these natural inclinations. It's to become more aware of when they serve you well and when they may not.

8. Closing — Becoming someone you understand

We often think about improving our relationship with ourselves in terms of loving ourselves more, prioritizing ourselves, or feeling better about ourselves.

Those things can matter.

But perhaps another part of having a good relationship with yourself is simply making sense of how you operate.

Understanding why certain things energize you and others drain you.

Why some decisions are easy and others take time.

Why certain expectations motivate you while others create frustration.

Why something that usually serves you well can sometimes work against you.

And recognizing that you don't necessarily need to become someone different to experience yourself differently.

Closing thought:

"The relationship you have with yourself isn't just about how you feel about who you are. It's also about how well you understand how you operate, how you treat yourself when things don't go as expected, and whether you're allowing what naturally serves you well to actually serve you."

Final listener question: If you understood yourself a little better, what might you stop being so hard on yourself about?