Is Your Teenager Argumentative?

I am sure you are aware that this is completely normal. But to an extent, and there is a way to reduce it.  

You Just Don’t Get It

A leading cause for arguing is when your teenager does not feel like they are being heard or understood.  I am sure most of you have heard the words, “You just don’t get it” fly out of their mouths at some point or another. 

Think back for a moment to when you were a teenager.  Do you remember that frustration of the inner conflict, knowing you are supposed to follow what your parents are saying but yet are feeling the need to fight for your own thoughts and beliefs as well? 

On one hand we think they should be old enough to know better but on the other hand, we view them as too young to voice their own opinion.   And I won’t even go into all the havoc hormones are wreaking as well.  

Teenage Angst

This angst is very difficult to deal with for all involved. Yes, all involved even your teenager that seems to enjoy it.  Trust me, they don’t like the tension anymore than you do but are not yet quite equipped to know how to handle it.  In fact, a lot of adults aren’t either, which may be why parents can be so easily baited into arguing back.  

Root Cause

In most cases, it is not the actual issue at hand that your teen is arguing about,  but rather,  the desire to be accepted and valued for who they are on an individual level but have no idea how to express that so they dig in and argue, what seems like, about everything wearing out your patience and making life miserable. 

We are so programmed to get fixated on the surface level stuff that we ignore what is actually at the root of the issue.  Unless that is dealt with, you will continue to encounter the same fundamental problem over and over, it will just show up in different packaging. 

How Strengths = Respect

However, when you have a tangible resource like a personalized explanation of their Strengths, derived from the CliftonStrengths Assessment, it will help you establish more respect for one another, which will reduce the need to argue.

For example, let’s say your teenager's top strength involves being a dreamer with a huge imagination. Mom’s top strength leans more towards  getting things done efficiently and dad’s top strength represents his natural ability to analyze data.  Now bear in mind that when I go through your personalized Strengths explanation, I take into account where each trait falls in the order and what other traits each one is surrounded by.  But for the sake of simplicity, we will just focus on the top one here.  

So, parents get frustrated with said teen for laying around “doing nothing”.  Mom starts to harp on teen to get up and do something productive, teen argues back that they are being productive and dad enters the picture demanding proof. 

I am sure you can see how this will end.  But when the information regarding each one’s strengths is recognized, understood and honored by one another, this blow up can be averted.  Mom and dad will have a better understanding that their teenager learns and figures things out by letting their mind wander and will be less likely to harp.  Because the teenager feels accepted for how they do things best, and understands where mom and dad are coming from as well, they will be more likely to honor their parents desire to see concrete evidence of productivity. 

Simple Solution

A simple parenting solution for this could be to set time limits on the daydreaming sessions going forward that are articulated and agreed upon by all and to be mindful of supporting their teens' big ideas by not shooting them down for lack of efficiency and probability.

In a nutshell, we are all different, therefore do things differently and that is the way it is supposed to be.  Instead of getting upset when others don’t follow your way, you are much better off when you understand those differences and honor each other for them.  

Schedule a free consultation with me to hear more.   Let's connect to get your family enjoying more peace.